My Life In The Rooms by Bamidele Ademola -Olateju

Bamidele Ademola-Olateju
Bamidele Ademola-Olateju

Family Room – This is where the television is. I am here for the most part. I listen only to political stuff and news. In the age of technology, my tablets and phones are always here. When I am not watching TV, I’m always buried in them. I am of no use to uncle Demi, my daughter or any human here. When I am free or when I liberate myself, I watch Forensic files. I think I should be employed doing investigations.

Living room – We have a mini bookshelf here. This is is my thinking place. Philosophy comes to life here. This is where artistry and culture is. Here is where I exhibited my conservative cultural minimalism best. On the credenza are books that are not yet read. I steal glances at them, sometimes I peruse a page or two to stoke my interest. I am an academic here. Not a wife. I do motherhood here sometimes so I can ritualize the book spirit into my daughter.

Dinning Room – I am a mother, a cook, a sister and a friend here. We eat here, tell stories and personal stuff. Don’t remind me to be a wife here unless you don’t want the next meal. Treat me like the accomplished chef that I am. Did I tell you I am a good cook when I’m not on a revenge mission? In my days as the real sinner, I use to put excess pepper/coarse salt in the food of those who misbehaved.

Kitchen – I am a chef here. I have always had a gourmet kitchen with sparking stainless appliances before it became the vogue. I love bragging about my collection of bone China and silverware. I cook but I don’t wash plates. I am not a wife here! I am a Chef!

The Study – This is where the Holy spirit is. Very serious place. The spirit controlling books and knowledge have their shrine here. Nobody misbehaves here. I’m better behaved here than in the Church. The whisper of servers, teleconferencing stuff, laptops in hibernation creates an atmosphere of reverence. Remove one paper here and destroy a life. Uncle Demi is celibate here. I just maintain!

The Other Room – This is the bedroom! Our President is such a prude! He can’t even bear mentioning the bedroom. Yet we have evidence of their liaison and I hear Fulani men sabi do Koko. I have heard many things o…some relating to equipment. Anyhoo, this use to be my favorite room where I show my original mescabehavior( I learnt this word from my aburo – the teacher of bedroom tinz Olufunke Phillips).

In my original element, I can seduce any man here. I like elaborate stuff. The old Kanuri women in Maiduguri schooled me before I got married. Holy Jesus!!! I no wan talk too much sha. All that changed when HM was born and uncle Demi said she must sleep with us. He said we have suffered too much. I should have been warned of this unimaginable father-daughter love then! The crib and baby monitor was useless. HM slept on his chest until she was 2 years. Omo, that was how uncle Demi tamed me o! Koko no dey happen. If i see VOA then, i for grant interview wey pass Aisha own wallahi!!! At Age 4 I arranged her room nicely and made efforts to get her to start sleeping in her room. This girl would cry buckets and sneak in between our sheets. Early evening, her father would cosy up to her, reading bedtime stories, while I roast and until I’m bored to sleep. I don’t like midnight stuff. Before 3am she’s in our room. American bedrooms have no locks. Even if we lock ourselves up, she would have banged the door. She still does it now every weekend. She calls it family time and I am still helpless. I don’t know if I signed on for it.

Now that we are empty nesters, we were just trying to reconfigure and Baba Buhari has ruined it for me again! That is the remote and immediate wahala now. I have only one room where I am a wife. Am I a good wife? Happy weekend my fiful!

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